Have I really reached my Use By Date?

I have had to face some harsh realities in my new life as a single woman and each in their own way have chipped my confidence around the edges.  One of the most soul destroying things was finding out that I am virtually unemployable at a time when I needed to be able to feel as though I could support myself more than anything.  It was a sobering moment to be sure.


When I first told Craig I was leaving I thought the worst was over mostly because that was the ONLY thing I had been focussed on for months.  It only took a nanosecond to realise that my challenges had only just begun.


I could no longer rely on Craig's income, I had nowhere to live and even if I found something I had no money to pay for it.  YIKES!!  I naively thought I would just get a job and the rest would fall into place.  It almost makes me laugh to think of it now but at the time I really believed I could get something even if it was something I didn't particularly want.  I've never been afraid to do anything for a living, within reason of course, and I am not too proud to do a job others might consider beneath them.  As far as I'm concerned if it's honest work and it pays my way in life, it is plenty good enough for me.


I applied for job after job in the field I am qualified for which is business admin and after several months I hadn't even managed to get an interview.  This had never happened to me before and I couldn't understand where I was going wrong.  Was my resume too wordy, not wordy enough, not applicable to the job at hand?  Was I too old, out of the work force for too long or just not good enough?  It really got me down especially as everything depended on me getting some sort of employment.


In the end I had to go down the road I had sworn I would never set foot on and applied for the Disability Pension.  I met all the criteria and after exposing my entire life to scrutiny I was approved.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed that I have had to ask for this help but I did hope it wouldn't come to this.  I guess it just felt like I was telling the world, "that's it, I'm on the scrap heap and you may as well all know it."  Yes I do know that's silly but I'm a stubborn old mule and I'm not ready for that kind of capitulation.


Having been granted this Pension I didn't see that as being ok to sit on my butt and watch soap operas all day and I volunteered to go on a program at the Disability Employment Services.  Basically this organisation pays a significant portion of your wage to an employer who is willing to take you on with whatever impairment you bring to the table.  I see a lovely guy called John once a fortnight and we try to figure out what I can do.  We have both come to the conclusion that my calling is to help people and he is trying to get me into a training program to work with elderly people or people with disabilities which is kind of ironic when you think about it.  The expression the "blind leading the blind" springs to mind but I digress.



I did have a part time job delivering catalogues twice a week to about 300 houses.  There could be anything up to 15 catalogues per house which all had to be collated.  Long story short it turned out to be far too much for me and I collapsed in the street twice in the space of 30 minutes.  My legs completely lost feeling and went out from under me and it was very scary.  I was quite ill for several weeks and realised I had to find something that wasn't as taxing.


Fate stepped in last week when I got a letter from Avon asking me to come back.  It hadn't even occurred to me to consider that which is strange because it is actually a perfect solution.  Those of you who were reading me for a long time may remember I have been an Avon lady before and I mostly enjoyed it.   I was also very good at it and was in the top 10 reps out of about 300 people and our area was the 2nd to top best selling area in the whole of Australia.



I signed on again last week and will get my area in the next few days. 


I love that I can have my own hours, work when I am able to and most of all meet new people and make new friends.  I am allowed to work up to 15 hours a week and I don't think the little bit of money I'd get from Avon will be breaking any rules.  It will help me have a better quality of life and you can't put a price on that.  Most of all it will give me a sense of purpose and usefullness and that is one thing that has been missing from my life for far too long. 


They also want me to go on the Leadership Program which sounds good but I've learned my lesson.  Baby steps....I need to take baby steps and see how far I can push myself BEFORE it's too far.


I am studying more or less full time too at the moment but more about that another day.


So you see some things have changed in my life to make it almost unrecognisable but then out of the blue comes something that takes me back to a familiar place.


Don't you just love the inconsistencies of life?