Looking into the abyss

I've been feeling in such turmoil lately and as though I am in some kind of awful limbo.  It's incredibly frustrating because there are so many things I should be doing and I can't seem to set my mind to anything.  I want to slap myself but that would only make me cry, something I avoid doing at all costs.


Maybe I should cut myself a bit of slack..... after all a marriage breakdown, even if you are the instigator, is a massive life change and to be fair to myself I think I have done the best I can. The worst part is the way my moods can swing from one extreme to another in the space of 24 hours. Some days I feel at peace, content even and other days I feel like my whole system is in total conflict. I have no idea what each day will bring and I am at a loss to know how to handle it.  This is one of the main reasons why I haven't blogged or even kept up with my emails (sorry Kim).  I just haven't wanted to talk to anyone.


I did deactivate my Facebook but I am using it again now or I will turn into a total recluse.  At least with Facebook you don't have to worry about writing a masterpiece or even anything half decent and you still feel as though you are in contact with the world if you want to be.


I guess things haven't turned out the way I'd hoped when I finally plucked up the courage to leave my husband.  Really I think I just wanted to be happy but I'm just as unhappy as I was before only now I get to be miserable in private and I don't have to "fake it" all the time.  That is a relief at least.

I've always believed that the best way to deal with any kind of negative emotion is to make yourself feel it. So many people bury their grief and really believe that if they ignore it then it's gone. It isn't. You carry it around with you everywhere you go. At least if you face it and deal with it no matter how painful it is, you can eventually put it somewhere it won't be forgotten but won't be festering inside you like a painful wound.


I keep telling myself that this will pass, it always does. The thing is if you asked me what was wrong I honestly couldn't tell you and that is the main problem.   If you know what you're dealing with at least you have a shot of moving past it.


I vowed that I wouldn't write a "poor me" post but at this point I am up for trying anything to get past this terrible funk.


If anyone out there has been through this and has any words of encouragement or advice I am all ears and willing to try anything.